Thursday, February 9, 2012

The Lexicon of Lottery - A gift for Disgruntled Nurses

I began to write a post a couple nights ago that I was just loving. Halfway through, I ran it by Bill, my go-to person on all things I just love because he has the gift of gently acknowledging my shortcomings.  My beloved post was given the thumbs down for publication.

And I was pissed.

God forbid, I wrote about work. Even without giving specifics, naming names or suggesting diagnosis, I was advised  warned I shouldn't post it for fear of "losing your damn job".

Ya'll will have to sit on pins and needles until I hit the lotto and can write all I want about the mayhem and foolishness I've seen in my career.  Do you ever do that? Daydream about hitting the lotto and what you would do when it happened?  Ask any nurse what their plans include, and I bet the number one answer would be: quit my job.  I know that's mine.  But we are funny, we nurses.  After we took a vacation, drank to excess and found a home where we could live like hermits we would still find a way to take care of people.  Because that's just how we are.  We truly love people, it's just that we're wired to take only so much before our brains explode.  After which Environmental "Services", being union, would remind everyone that cleaning up nurse grey matter is not in their contract.  Because that's how they are.

I would still take care of people, rest assured.  And if I ever do hit the lotto I would take care of people I choose in the following ways:

The Kim's So Tired Hotel for Exhausted Night Shift Nurses

Overworked? Underpaid? Haven't experienced REM sleep since 1992?  Then step into a world of magical bliss, where you're greeted with adult beverages served by muscular, shirtless male models who tell you how pretty you are.  Step into a steaming hot tub with Barry White crooning over the bumping Bose sound system.  Relax while the Xanax mist envelopes you, encouraging your weary brain not to give a rat's ass about your employer's latest shenanigans.  Wrap up in a soft fluffy robe then take to your bed dressed in 800 thread count sheets and down comforters.  Be sure to eat the chocolate dipped Ativan on your pillow before you fall into 12 hours of dreamless heavenly slumber in your sound proof sleeping chamber.  When you awaken, you'll feast on the finest chocolate croissants and all you can eat bacon in the garden room, where no one is allowed to speak until three cups of coffee have been consumed.  A foot massage is mandatory before you step off into another day of spirit breaking abuse.  

To qualify for your free stay, you must be a non-administrative patient caregiver who has been called a bitch, slut or whore at least six times in the last week.  Being bitten, punched or spit on by drunk/stoned/off their meds "clients" allows you an automatic upgrade to the Penthouse, where medical marijuana is at your disposal and a candlelight massage is offered every hour on the hour.

The Jerry Springer Green Room

Dealing with a family of hysterical red necks?  Have three or more visitors in pajama pants and braless camisoles?  Tattoo to tooth ratio of 3:1 or better?  Nurse Kim has you covered!  Throw the whole crowd into the Jerry Springer Green room; a soundproof, padded arena equipped with a steel cage and burly WWE wannabes to control that hot mess.  Pretend cameras are mounted on the ceilings to give occupants the sensation of being on reality television that they crave. Full sugar sodas and Little Debbie products are provided for your ill behaved, unvaccinated children's snacking needs. We'll even wash their nicotine  infused coats for free before they go back to the home where "we only smoke outside". 

Ready for discharge? Our purple windowless van transports everyone back to the double wide.  Free Nascar or Nickleback tank tops to the first 20 visitors every Friday.

 The Jerry Springer Green Room's mission is to free medical staff from the throes of family drama so you can safely remove wallet chains, eagle necklaces and "Badass Beer" encrusted belt buckles in the tranquil environment you deserve.

The Nana Brown Home for the Aged

Welcome Seniors to the Nana Brown Memorial Home for the Aged.  Our staff has been hand picked by a professional lackey granddaughter. Here you will find geriatric loving, English speaking nurses with functioning brain cells who truly enjoy caring for you and your repetitive requests.
In our happy, spacious building you will find a swimming pool for water aerobics (ornate flowery swim caps provided and encouraged), shuffle board, Canasta tables, rental dogs for you to cuddle, rental grandchildren to give hard candy to, and a beauty salon for those all important Thursday wash and sets.  Daily bathing is provided and dentures are clearly labeled at night to prevent those awkward exchange mishaps. Pedicures available to male residents who sign a contract stating they will never get one in a public venue again.  Font on all reading material is set at 32 and continuous loops of the Price Is Right and Murder, She Wrote are shown in our ampitheatre. 

Our 9pm snack of ice cream with Ambien sprinkles is mandatory and your Craftmatic Adjustable Bed will be cranked up or down upon your arrival.  Daily lectures include:  Prevent the Beetus by Wilfred Brimley and You Too Can Live Like a Princess After 90 by the world famous Nana Brown. 

To qualify for admission, the approval board must meet your family and you must be willing to excommunicate them if we find them unsavory.  No bitter old ladies or dirty old men need apply.

Kim's Respite Center for Freaked Out Moms

Thought you could do it all?  Realize you can't?  Need a stroller free trip to Target?  Looking for more than a desperate three minute grope session with The Man before that kid needs something again?

The Mommy Respite Center is at the ready to help you get your groove back.  Toss that screaming child into the arms of loving, hearing impaired women who were gypped out of grandchildren of their own.  Shop Target in peace while our pseudo grandmas rock and spoil your baby in a serene setting free of Baby Einstein videos and overstimulation.  Our staff of retired NICU nurses are screened and experienced in the latest soothing techniques and will not judge you for being unable to breastfeed.  Two, six and twelve hour stays available with priority appointments for women who sucked it up and didn't schedule "me time" in the first year of life.  You'll come back for that baby rested, rejuvenated and beaming in post coital bliss.  Try us today! 

Yup.  Those things right there.  The above are all things near and dear to my heart and how I wish I could make them happen.  That would be my dream job - professional philanthropist.  And I wouldn't fire myself for writing about it, either. 

I feel better just thinking about it.



Birgit Kerr said...

I feel better just reading about them! And well having a little chuckle never hurt either! Thank you for your humor and your dreams! They often make my day!

Michael Rado said...

I' m checking in now!!! I will.even volenteer my nursing services to all the pa and nanas after an extended stay!! I can make an Ambien icecream sunday with best of them and you know how I feel about the beetus!!:)

pitbull1309 said...

Do you have a discount for RNs who check in dragging their lowly paramedic husbands? If so, the wife and I are IN! You totally NAILED it perfectly. I laughed out loud and startled the dog.

Rnjlin said...

You are the best!


pitbull1309 said...

And don't forget to have a constant flow of that really strong, great-smelling cherry air freshener like they have in the Target bathrooms for the incontinent seniors and accident-prone kiddies who "forget" their manners when their mommies are away!

Brooklyn7833 said...

Is there room at the Kim Van Dyke Hotel for Exhausted Night Nurses for a lowly, overworked, under appreciated, midnight xray tech? I've been called a bitch, c**t, fat-ass, been screamed at, bitten, smacked, puked on, peed on, shit on, and that is just from the sober ones. One particularly classy gentleman even decided to show off his masturbatory skills whilst laying on my table. Oh, and if you provide live entertainment, I'd like to put in a request for Prince! (Pre- symbol, religion, crap phase of course)

Lynne Stiegler said...

As someone who has been on the other side of the bed for a lot of hospital time lately, can I just say I admire the hell out of nurses (in fact all medical professionals except Dr. S Khan, my Mom's admitting physician) and what they do. OMG! I so could not do that. Kim, if I win the lottery I will finance this.

Oh wait, I have to buy tickets, don't I?