Sunday, January 17, 2010

Facebook Groups I Would Like to Invent...

Join The Group: Guess what? Millions of women have been pregnant before you. Yes, it's an event. But it's really only a big deal to you and about 4 other people (or 8 or 16 if you have one of those massively divorced families).

or you could sign on for...

Is she an elephant? Because it seems like her gestation has been that long. (A sub group of : Announcing your pregnancy the day after conception)

Become a Fan of: I don't want to see your naked pregnant belly every week. Or ever. Is nothing sacred anymore? Save it for the man who inflicted you.

(Is there a theme here? Yes, friends there is. I am letting off some steam in the semi-privacy of my blog as to not offend or be branded the Pregnancy Ruiner.) This girl is just a smidge weary of cervical effacement, mucous plugs, morning sickness and public display of your pee sticks.

Become a Fan of: Kindly stop threatening me with being the 97% who won't post that:
They believe in God.
They support the Troops.
They want a cure for autism.
Someone died of cancer.

Rest assured, I am still upright after every email I deleted that swore I would be struck dead if I failed to forward it to another ten innocent victims. Most likely I will be here until said God decides it's my time to leave. I love my country and support my troops. Autism is a crushing horrible disease. I have loved many who have died of cancer. Saying it here hasn't changed a thing. Neither will posting it on Facebook. The End.

I hereby also refrain from playing games that include posting my bra color. How exactly did that "help" breast cancer awareness? Do a self exam, have a mammogram. Do something but for God sake do not make Facebook responsible for your breast health.

Biiiiggggg Breaaattthhh. There now, that's better. I feel somewhat lighter in the lobe now.

Monday, January 4, 2010

It rubs the lotion on it's body...

Remember that line? In Silence of the Lambs? (One of the greatest movies ever, BTW so if you haven't seen it you should.)

It must be January. Because I wish I had someone to tell me what to do and how to do it. Granted, I prefer not to be in a hole in the basement with the orchestrator of my life being a serial killer, but you get the idea.

I am the worst winter person ever and I find it so difficult to get motivated. My house needs to be completely lit with those Seasonal Affective Disorder lights. I need them spotlighted on my noggin to trick me into thinking it's Spring. Right now? I have boxes all over the living room surrounding a tree that needs to come down and Christmas crap that needs to be put away. I have sheets that need changing and a Nana that needs to be visited in the rehab center. (She is doing great, by the way). I need to go to the gym and sloth on the elliptical and oh, P.S.: we have no groceries. I have to work in two days and also have some dude coming on Wednesday to fix our TV, which takes about six minutes to turn on. (I find it somewhat amusing to watch the TV try to start, I will it to just grunt because if it grunted, it would help. Please note that the boy people in the house do not share my amusement). I am getting Cable Guy reminiscent hives in apprehension for Wednesday. I curse the people who cut our combined time off at work, I desperately need a mental health day.

I am digressing. I need Ritalin. I need to get going. I would make a list but then I would start drawing on it and then I would want new pens and then I would go to Casey's art box for them and then I would notice she needs her quilt washed and then and then and then...

OK - regroup. Slacker Radio to the rescue. My "Clean the House" Compilation. Prince, The Time, Michael Jackson, George Clinton "Do Fries Go With That Shake?" All the musical gems that make me unable to sit still.

WHOOP - I am momentarily motivated. So long holidays - come on May. You can get me moving but you can't make me like Michigan in the winter.