Life at the Gym

People, I give you The Gym. A place ripe with not only ripeness, but snarky thoughts from my frontal lobe.

You are hot. You are twenty-five and you may or may not have breast implants, I am not a good judge of such. But for God sakes, must you arch your back and stick the girls out to here for the no-neck defective running the desk? You are simply checking in. Go "work out", we all know you are here, although we are curious to why your Mom named you PINK and plastered it on the ass of every bit of workout wear you own...

Muscle head dude, I am talking to you. Why the growling grunt with each rep? We already smell you and clean up after your sweaty pigness when you don't wipe off the machines. We all know you are here. Please refrain from the verbal cues.

Old people in Reeboks and sweatsuits. You are beyond cool and I love you. Thank you for smiling at me sympathetically, and acknowledging my efforts as I huff away on the eliptical. I love to watch TLC over your shoulder as you pedal on the TV Recumbent Bikes. Thank you for using closed caption, so I can read every word of Kate's condescending barbs at John. I am so glad you take care of yourself and I don't have to see you at work all debilitated because you don't exercise. Rock on with your bad selves.

Skinny running dude. I envy you. I envy your smooth long strides and the fact that you actually know how high the treadmill can go because you run at that speed. I envy your long lean legs and marvel at your calf muscles. You entertain me. You inspire me. I pretend to be you when I close my eyes and chug along. I wish you many miles and half marathons.

Formerly Really Fat Black Dude - YOU ARE AWESOME!!! I am so proud of you. You and I have nodded at each other for a year now and I laughed at Christmastime when you wore your Santa hat while you elipticalled next to me. You have lost SO MUCH weight and you need to buy some better fitting clothes. I wish I was rich and I would buy you some myself. I have had a hard time with the tragic losses of my favorite Big Black Men: Barry White, Luther Vandross and Isaac Hayes, but now I have you to adore. Bless you - keep going, I cheer you on in my head every time I see you.

Over 50 ladies. NO. RUNNING. SHORTS. Cellulite does not discriminate. Your daughter is embarrassed to be seen with you. I see her face when you make a big deal about stretching. She is mortified.

My husband. Love to sneak peeks at you when you are working out. You are the cutest one here. You are exempt from the growling grunt rule. You love me because I try. Thank you for looking at the breast-y girl only when I cannot see you. You are a stellar man.