Thursday, November 19, 2009

Cable Guys - Spawn of Idiots

Oh, Cable Guys of the World. I am trying not to lump you all into a gargantuan pile of stupidity, but you are making it difficult for me to refrain. I have had more than my share of Cable Hell. Here are a few examples why:

To the Cable Guy who arrived at my home, bypassing the warning tape and wood blockades placed to keep you off my freshly rebuilt front porch: I do not apologize for the profanities I spewed when I opened the front door to find you standing there in your giant work boots, sinking into my freshly poured concrete. I do not apologize for taking pictures to show your boss because "really, Ma'am, could anyone be that ignorant?" Yes Siree, Mr. Boss of the Cable Guys, your staff is that ignorant. Even the Cub Scouts figured out to leave their bottle drive fliers at the back door. Maybe you should hire them instead. Yes Sir, Mr. Cable Guy Manager, I am asking for 6 months of free cable and for your company to pay for repairs. And yes friends, I received what I asked for.

To the Cable Guys who stand in my basement, gazing at the drop ceiling like it holds the 7th Wonder of the World, there is a splitter in there somewhere, and it's your job to find it. Thanks for cracking the ceiling tiles and leaving them on the floor for me to replace. Thanks for making me supervise you like a three year old after you comment about the cool sports memorabilia and copious amounts of wine in the rack. I need that wine after you leave. You stress me.

To the Cable Guy from AT&T who dicked around in my home for SEVEN HOURS before leaving and saying "I'll have to come back tomorrow, the outside hook up is not working": Newsflash! You NEVER came back. It's TWO MONTHS LATER! I have a box of your AT&T shit in the basement that I will allow my children to make a robot out of because you, yes you, were by far the biggest jackass ever to enter my home. And trust me, there have been many. You stole a friggin' dollar from my bedroom floor. You lied about it. You badmouthed your colleagues, who pranced across my newly seeded lawn despite signs asking them not to. (Can't any of you people read?) How did you pass the Cable Guy Bar Exam? For that matter, how did you pass the drug test, as I suspect most of you are on crack?

AT&T customer "service" (note the oxymoron usage): You need to be included in this post because you too, are in the running for the Cable Guy Jackass Award. We appreciate the recorded message you sent after 6 weeks of silence informing us that "your AT&T wiring problem has been fixed and we are ready to complete your installation!" Seriously? Send me a human to my (now really pretty) front porch and I will be happy to give them their AT&T robot to stick in their anal canal. You are the scourge of all cable. Do not send your moronic sales reps to my home to sing your praises again, lest I lock them in the basement and make them look for splitters until hell freezes over.

In the spirit of sharing, I encourage you to look in the lower left corner of my blog. There you will find the link to "Pantsless in Seattle" a brilliant blog by my friend's daughter. In it you will find "The Legend of the Bath Mat". Read it friends, it will not disappoint. And it will assure you that the nectar of stupidity is not only drunk here in Michigan, but by Cable Guys all over the nation.

Peace out, cable customers.


Jules said...

I remember the front porch story, but didn't realize you had more morons causing you to tear out hair and hit the wine. I am FIRMLY in the anti-cable guy camp right along with you! Only now that I'm in Arkansas, it's the anti-satellite guy. They're all the same breed, sadly.

And WHY did you make me go read this again?


Bobby Pancakes said...

awesome... i once answered the door naked, for my late arriving cable man that apparently thought he was the DEA and my house was to be raided. At least thats how he was knocking. I envisioned your encounters with each description and smiled harder with each sentence as it danced into the next.