Weddings and Showers and Websites, Oh My...

I got married over 17 years ago. I had a bridal shower, it was lovely. I had my son 16 (almost) years ago. I had a baby shower that I really don't remember since he arrived early and was 6 days old when the shower happened. I know I was miserable and tired and scared and the last thing I wanted to do was put on a dress and be cheerful. But I survived, we all do.

I am grateful to have all of that behind me, although I do believe you should get a bonus shower on your 20th anniversary, a shower that you receive new sheets, towels and wine glasses for the worn out and broken ones you have had for 20 years. These days, I am surrounded by young people who are marrying and birthing and it seems that every month an invitation arrives for yet another function. Sometimes I am genuinely thrilled to attend these events and look for the perfect gift designed to delight and surprise the Bride to Be/Mom to Be. Other times, not so much.

Based on the events of the last few years, I have designed a guide for those struggling to combine and add to their lives with the addition of a spouse or baby. We'll call them:

Kim's Subtle Suggestions for Weddings and Showers

1. Do you know my preferred alcoholic beverage? Do you know my kid's names? If not, you have not spent enough time with me to invite me to your shower. So please don't.

2. Kindly do not instruct me what to buy you. Also, please refrain from suggesting that I bring an additional gift of a box of diapers to "help the new mommy with expenses". Seriously? Skip registering for the butt wipe warmer and Brainy Einstein vids and buy your own diapers. We all did. If I like you enough to come to your shower I will be working hard to pick the perfect gift for you. That said, I will add that I believe butt wipe warmers are the root of the spoiled, sissy children who will someday be running our fair planet. Teach them young that sometimes things are cold, wet and necessary, and thus must be sucked up. Please.

3. Don't be offended if I don't sign your Wedding Website guest list. I probably never viewed it. If I know you well enough to attend, I have already seen the pictures and know the stories. I don't get the hoopla over a wedding website. But then I don't get the hubbub about letting everyone know your every move via Twitter, either. There's a lot to be said for intimacy in relationships, and you won't find it on the internet. Unless it involves the letters XXX.

4. I know a person who collects "Save the Date" magnets. You know, the ones with the tasteful engagement picture on them? Anyhoo, after the Save the Date Couple's marriage tanks he draws a black bar over their eyes. Genius.

5. Re: the above. I do appreciate Save the Date magnets. If I like you well enough to attend I can get the day off. If I don't, I can schedule myself to work. Thoughtful and practical. Thanks!

6. If you find yourself considering the pre-printed thank you notes, I am done with you. Just done. Put a pen to paper and say something, anything, or I will be compelled report you to Miss Manner's hit list. When I see the girl who sent us a pre-printed thank you for the wedding my husband attended alone,  all I can think of is: "there goes Loser Classless Pre-printed Redneck Thank You Card Girl".

Along the same line - DO NOT ask me to address my own thank you card. For Christ sakes, I bought you a gift. Do a little legwork on your own. I will leave my envelope blank and proclaim to all who will listen that you neglected to send me a thank you card. Try me.

OK - done now. Had to get these off my lobe and onto the screen. I will probably never get invited to anything again. But please, do join me for my sheet- towel-new wine glass shower in 2 years, OK? And bring a bottle of dry red to help the old mommy with her liver failure. Save the date!